She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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