im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
