It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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