I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
