Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
