Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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