Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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