Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
