so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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