Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dicks are not precious.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
