I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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