Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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