I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
