im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
