When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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