my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Your cock deserves a montage
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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