Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
worst night to have a conscience
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
