At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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