I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
