so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
