Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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