i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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