I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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