There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
