She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
