you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
