I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
