watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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