dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm at about main and main street
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
