He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
