I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
