we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
