Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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