I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I AM VODKA MAN
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
