If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
