Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
