I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
