Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
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were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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