i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
