I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You've changed since you got that strap on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
