I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
