i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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