i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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