I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
