She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
