I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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