First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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