I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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