My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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