She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When are your genitals available?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
