I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
did i just pee glitter
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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