Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am mentally ready for anal.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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