Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
