i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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