none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
zippers are such a cool invention
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
