I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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