I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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