I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Found the puke drawer
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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