Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
